Dear Stevie – Bianca

Dear Stevie, 

I need to expand on our experience yesterday. I feel I owe you an apology. When I had a go at you outside in the Woolworth’s car park for not telling my sooner that Bianca and her mum were in the shops, that was wrong. That was my anxiety and anger talking. They were saying, “What right do they have to be angry with Stevie?” and “at least my child didn’t need to be bribed or subpeonad to make her statement”. I should have said all this to you instead of telling you off for laughing which I now know is your nervous reaction. 

I am not sorry things with Bianca didn’t work out. I kinda had a feeling from the moment I met her that they wouldn’t. Call it mothers intuition if that is what helps you sleep at night but I knew she was a troubled girl who needed help. I knew that you would lie to me when the two of you combined forces and I was petrified something would happen like it did. That is why I tried to keep you close to me not physically but as close as a mother and her teenage daughter can be. 

When she wouldn’t cooperate with police I was sooo damn angry with her. I hated her. She chose a boy to protect over you. Then when she started to lie about the things in the case that made me so damn angry too. I am angry with her parents for not raising her to do the right thing but I know that it’s hard to get your child to do what is right at the best of times. I think they were confused more than what I was and had no idea what to do cause they don’t communicate properly. 

I know you lost your best friend in all of this but if she is able to get help then maybe her experience isn’t wasted. Maybe that was what she needed in order to get that help. I hope her family is able to see past themselves in order to get her help. I hope this has made her family stronger and that they realise that they need help too. I feel sorry for her too deep down past the anger. She doesn’t have a rock to rely on like you do. She doesn’t have anyone to go to when she makes a bad decision that can tell her everything will be ok. Maybe in another life you two will see each other again? I hope under better circumstances.

I know that you feel betrayed and you should. There are lessons in this experience for you around friendships and who deserves your time. I hope this doesn’t mean that you won’t give of yourself to another friend. Don’t let this make you hard.  One day you will make the friends that will support you and they will be there when it matters. I would love nothing more. 

Anyway today I will leave it there. 

Love Mum

xo

 

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Bad things and good people

More than once of the last few weeks the subject of bad things happening to good people has come up around me. I have reflected upon this as it seems to be a reoccurring theme. The very first thing that I want to clarify is that the world owes me nothing. I am not now, nor have I ever been, one of those people who say things like why me? I do not think myself entitled to a car or pretty things. I have always known I would need to work for each and every thing I have and that it would never be just handed to me on a platter. I have been content to watch as others have had things handed to them and I have not complained about that. It’s their right. How do I know that they don’t deserve it?
I have always thought that it’s all just random coincidence. A great big random sequence of events that just jumbles around giving people what they need to overcome in order to move forward and evolve. I bet you can see where my thinking is right? That I am more of a scientific person in this respect. Well as scientific as you can be whilst reflecting on this. However if you knew me you would know that is faaaaarrrrr from the truth. Recently I am questioning my thoughts a lot and therefore questions have arisen about the whole bad things happening to good people scenario.

It all surrounded an internet meme. One where it says that good people have shitty things happen to them so that they can be put onto the path they are supposed to be on. For some people I could see how this could be right. They grow like a watered flower under the pressure of events around them. That was always me until recently when it proved I had been drowned and I cracked like a thrown glass. Enough about that cause that really isn’t the point. Sure things have happened since that have had me back to my abnormally sane self. Things have happened that have me on a totally new path away from what I thought I was aiming for. Almost like it all just fell into place.I think maybe this is the concept that I feel most at ease with. I think this makes sense cause of it’s logic. Bad thing = good reward. That is a whole other blog on it’s own though right?

I read another one where it says good people are made from the lessons learnt from when the bad stuff happens to them. To believe all this is true you would have to believe in the concept of fate. I am not quite sure where I sit there on the fate continuum and I am not sure where I sit with an all mighty force making decisions for us be that the universe or otherwise. It would be slightly conceited of any being/force to think they are all knowing and never learning. The other option is God is sending us these troubles to make us stronger. That’s not something that resonates with me either. That sounds more like the old testament fire and brimstone kinda god not the new testament love and peace kinda god. Either way I am not convinced.

I guess I don’t have any answers. I must instead resolve to use my life like a case study. Get under my own microscope and see my life unfold. I am sure this will come up again and I am sure that you will hear about it.
Till next blog….

Faith in humanity…restored.

Yesterday I had an experience I would like to share.
We have all heard the expression, do unto others, right?
I had all my shopping on the black moving piece of rubber whose name now escapes me in the shopping centre…no wait..conveyer belt! The lady behind me whilst having a few items, I noticed they were all multiples of the same thing. 3 Avocados, three packs of the smaller bottles of water etc. For this reason I let her go before me. She asked if I was sure and I was. She went and said thanks after she had paid and was leaving the store.
Cut to me leaving and she is returning her trolley. I am alone with all of my shopping and my receipt decides to high tail it out of there with the wind and escapes the trolley, runs across the crossing and to the other side of the car park. I watch it float away hopelessly whilst weighing up if it was worth leaving my bag and shopping unattended eventually deciding nope so with a single swear word I let the receipt go and continue to my car to pack in the shopping.
I turn to open the boot and there this lady stands receipt in hand and says to me “here is your receipt” I say back “omg thank you so much that’s such a lovely thing to do”. We smile at one another and move on with our day.
This little gesture from this woman who knows nothing about me, changed my entire demeanour. I started to tear up but I told myself I refused to cry in the Aldi car park. This woman would never know my story or what I was battling with inside my head or back at home behind the closed door. She would never know how worn out and tired I am on this day due to nightmares or that I had been up early for a job interview cause I lost my job. I was so taken with what she had done. One of my friends said yes but you let her in front of you so you started the cycle and granted yes I did but to chase my receipt across a car park for me required significantly more effort.
Needless to say I have resolved to do one good thing a day and as above it won’t be massive but it will be something. We never know who is struggling and it only takes a second but like my day yesterday, it could change someones day in ways you never know.
Thank you random lady in the Aldi car park! Thank you for changing a worn out mum’s day for her and restoring her faith in human kindness and compassion.

Advice to new parents

Today has been one of those, Stop the world I wanna get off kinda days. It is with that in mind that I write the post I am about to write so please bear with me and remember…..you have been warned. 

I have some advice to new parents and I hope that you can see where I am headed with this as I write with a glass and a half of the cheapest white wine I can afford due to loosing my job 4 days ago. 

1. Raise your sons to respect women. It’s simple really. Treat them to respect all things but most of all the word no. Tell them when a woman says it that it means they could be naked and Angelina Jolie and it still means no. Teach them to take no shit but to use words and not any of their body parts, fists, penis’ etc to get a point across. 

2. Raise your girls to respect themselves. Remember when you put yourself down, slather yourself in makeup or overly care what someone says about you that they are watching. Teach them not to let any man use them like a toilet. They need to know how important they are and how they do have the ultimate power as they can create other little people but they need to be able to respect that ability and not use it for power alone. 

3. Remember that you are the ultimate in role models for your child. See point 1 and 2. 

4. Self defence classes from a YOUNG age. This will teach them about point 1 and 2 but also ensure they are never blind sighted but some sick fuck. The world has demons ladies and gents and whether you like it or not you need to be prepared to protect them from them. It also teaches discipline and to care for those weaker than they are. 

5. Listen to them. Really listen. We have all seen the internet saying..pay attention to the small stuff so that they tell you the big stuff. DO IT! Most important of all and if you listen you may love or hate what you hear but it’s not to comment on, it’s to LISTEN!

6. Hear your gut. If it tells you that your child is walking out your door and is walking into a bad situation, HEAR IT! Harbour enough respect for yourself to ensure you go with that. If your child wakes at night and is screaming… the hospital is open if for no other reason than to put your mind at ease. Hear your guts voice and learn it well. It will be your best friend. 

7. Love them! Another really self explanatory one but if your child is scared of you…you are doing it wrong. That would mean they feel safer with a stranger than they do with you. 

8. Teach them to show their emotions. Love, hate, anger, despair, happiness, amazement, surprise, the list goes on and on but this is important to them and to you. You are never left in the dark on where they are for the day and they are never unaware of how others may be feeling. 

9. Teach them respect in general. For nature, for the elderly, for those weaker than they are, for the environment, sexual preference, another one the list goes on to. This goes a long way in the workplace, the world in general and in your home. 

10. Teach them resilience. Not to run when the going gets tough. To take responsibility for their actions and that the world is sometimes a cruel and shitty place to be in but that you will always be there with them. You will help them from the grave if that is what it takes. That they can live through everything and that each day they wake up in the morning they win. They have risen above and lived through whatever shitty circumstances have been thrown at them. This my reader is the most important thing of all. 

No you aren’t given a manual and I am sure I have muttered these words numerous times. This is not the ultimate excuse. This is a way of making people understand you, that is all. You know right from wrong. It’s your job to teach that to your child. To pass this on so that they can be a productive member of society. There are plenty of resources out there should you not feel up to the task. 

Now I did warn you prior to commencing and I hope this wasn’t too offensive to read. 

Signing off now to enjoy my children and the warmth of the other half a glass of wine. 

It’s not called Rape anymore

So through a recent experience of someone extremely close to me I can tell you that the law doesn’t call it rape anymore.
It is referred to as sexual and indecent assault/s.
This, my reader, has made me angry.
The change of this word takes away from the victim and downplays what has actually happened to them.
It does makes it easier for general consumption by the public, as though they needed a sugar-coated version of what has happened to a person in order to get on with their lives.
What about the life of the victim? Their whole life was turned upside down and we degrade them enough accusing them of wanting this and then judging every move they make and every word they say with the question forever in our minds of what happened and did they want it? What were they wearing? Did they provoke it in any way? To then say no it isn’t rape its assault makes it sound like we are talking about something they can forget. Something they can take a pill for and move on with their lives.
What assault doesn’t say is nightmares, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Medication, Suicide, Therapy, Relationship counselling, feeling alone and hurt and violated in more than just the physical sense.
Assault says you are hurt in the body. Assault doesn’t account for the mind of the victim. It doesn’t say how many times you will run that event through your mind or how you will never ever forget it. You may one day allow it to be a point where it no longer controls you or defines you or is no longer something that ruins your life but you will NEVER forget it.
When you take what is not yours to take you take more than the victims physical being. You are breaking a piece off and keeping it forever.
What would you do if someone decided to one day just come along and remove your brain? Or a major part of it. The piece that, lets say, stops you from wetting the bed? Or the piece that allows you to go shopping or to school or to concentrate on one thing at a time? To converse with other human beings? How would you function then? Would this be an adequate use of the word assault? Wouldn’t you want something much more crude? Something that really tells people what happened to you?
Maybe I am the only one with an issue with the R word being taken away and replaced? Maybe I am making a big deal over nothing. All I know is victims go through enough without someone coming along and taking the expression of what has happened to them away also.

Facebook Challenge Accepted!

Sometime after 3.58pm on Sunday the 12th of January (according to my iPhone), I replied Challenge accepted to Charlie Monsta. Why? Facebook has for a long time now took up far to much of my life. Life that I will never get back. Life that could be better spent on other more creative endeavours or simply dedicating to my family and friends. Life that until now I never knew was that important. 

Challenge accepted says I! To what may you ask. Basically I am unable to log onto Facebook unless I am on a PC/Mac but basically a desktop computer. No iPhone, iPad, Microsoft Surface etc. Nothing except the Mac which is all the way downstairs and normally requires barter with another family member to use. So between mine craft time for hubby or movie time for the youngest I need to be able to find time to spend/waste on Facebook. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! 

Did I ever expect to get completely and totally bored with Facebook? No way. Facebook filled in my time. It kept me up to date with what my cousin may be eating or where my friend is going on holiday. I have always stood behind the excuse that I have a big family and keeping Facebook means being in touch with as many of them as possible without actually having any real meaningful contact with them and I never ever once really stopped to think about what the issue was with any of what I have just written. Until of course now. 

I am one of about 30 odd grandkids on my mum’s side of my family. Mum is one of 10 children. There are who knows how many great grandkids now too. Just to invite the most important people to my wedding would have pushed me over the 120 people mark. I have a fair portion of these people on Facebook and I interact where I can. Or at least I thought I did. I don’t know much really about these people except for what they choose to post about and trust me a lot of what people post is the most positive or most negative of their personality. I don’t give a two sh*& flying F&%^ about what my cousin has for dinner but I love her enough to give her the occasional like and spare her feelings even though it would be awesome if I never saw another photo of quinoa. I love my other interstate cousins photos of her daughter and occasionally I send her a message to tell her so but honestly what does that mean to them? To me? So for all these reasons and that I am about to launch back into study for uni and don’t need to use Facebook to procrastinate any longer, I challenge accepted my friend. 

It has been just over two weeks since that message and holy moly have I learnt a whole lot about myself and other people since my simple message to a friend. The first two days were hard I have to admit I must have gone to my phone about 6 times within the first few hours to check Facebook and then realised that it was no longer there. I worried about what I would be missing and I even considered bribing whoever was on the computer for its use. Then I realised how pathetic I was. My friend and I had conversations about how bad it would be to be one of those attention seekers that posts about not posting on Facebook. We considered whether we were allowed to post about the challenge or not and opted not. 

Two weeks later and I have downsized the drama. My friends list has shrunk and my life is much happier. I have realised how much of my life I wasted seeing what bullshit people posted about their day and have thought to myself on more than one occasion…what the? Why would you post that? Omg is this your diary? Wtf are you thinking? Most importantly I have my life back. I timed what life I was missing out on daily checking Facebook and sometimes it would be over an hour of my day. And it was a useless hour. I now send someone a message and not on Facebook either. I click a lot less likes and I don’t take any notice of energy vampires. I spend more time with my family and I am all around happier for it. It has put a lot into perspective for me. 

I seriously would recommend it to anyone who has even thought the omg why would you post that? Its worth it. So challenge accept today! 

Dear Dad and Charlie

I wanted to write to you and let you have some stuff back. Some stuff I have carried around for 18 years that I don’t need.

I wanted to write to you directly but as I don’t have an address I thought I would make this open. Open to the world as I have nothing to hide. This is so you can’t twist what I write. So that everyone can see what I have said. Unlike you I have been open with the world except for perhaps the both of you. That’s about to change.

Dad – You told mum that you didn’t know why I didn’t speak to you anymore. I can tell you. I don’t because I will never be able to have the dad I wanted. All I ever got was disbelief and conspiracy from you. Everyone was always out to get you. There was never any responsibility for your situation. You taught me to blame others and blame the universe, the gods, those closest to me even. I never got much from our relationship yet I still sought to make you proud. My entire life was about getting your tick in the box and you never taught me to be proud of who I am as I am. Who I am is amazing. I was never enough for you. So one day when you have heard be better and be something else and blame everyone when it doesn’t work, you snap. You can’t do it. You evaluate. You think about what you want to instill in your own kids and you decide you want them to be happy with themselves and that’s it. When you told Tia that you thought that I did what I did to spite you and Charlie, that broke me. I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I broke.

No Dad. It was never about you. It was about me. I was feeling so down on myself that the first person that paid me any attention got more that what he should have from me. It was about me being 13 and thinking with my vagina and nothing else. No brain involved. No malice. No intent. Just simply me. You dragged me to hell and back and not once did you defend me. You never have. If my kids ever had issues like this I would die defending them.

There were good times. The times you made calamari rings from scratch and I did get my love of seafood from you. The times you let me help fix the fence and took me to car yards. The times you sat me on your knee and asked me what I was going to be and I proudly said a lawyer.

There were bad times. You put me at risk a lot. Drugs, lies, sex, yourself and the list goes on. We were scared to drink milk, stay awake, listen to you and mum at all at night. You and mum put me into situations that I should never have been in. I covered Tia’s ears which meant I heard through my own. Our relationship has never been sisters because of that. I protected her. I left myself out. Charlie we wanted it done. We wanted Mum and Dad over. We knew the expiration date was up. We were glad when we were told he was leaving.

Charlie – You are a whole separate entity. At the time I was 13 my mum was not stable. She couldn’t care for herself let alone me. You were my mum and in me you could have had the girl you wanted. Instead you pushed me away. You couldn’t see past your own insecurity and see I truly loved you. Instead your jealousy got the better of you and you ruined me. A 13 year old girl who idolised you. I understand that you didn’t believe me. I get that you had to protect your son and honestly that is more than my dad ever did for me. You were a true mum to Richard. I told you I was sorry and I think you misunderstood. I said sorry for betraying you not for lying. I have never lied. I have lost relationships and family over this but I have always maintained the truth. Daddy hates liars. You sat me there and made me cry hearing what had happened to you when you were young. I was so upset you had been treated so badly. I felt responsible in a way and I know that that may not have been what was intended. It still makes me sad that you have been so tossed around and mistreated. I added to that mistrust and I know that now.

I have become a step mother. I know how confusing it is and how you may have thought you were losing the man you loved to his daughter which I can assure you was never the case. I really honestly wanted your attention. I needed a female. The nicest things you ever said to me I remember. They all revolved around your trust in me and how good I was or how good a mother I would one day be and Charlie you are right. I am a good mum. I had two to learn the good and bad from except one stood by my side and the other tossed me away.

So parents, today I hand all of this back. I hand you back the disbelief. I hand you back the destructive thinking. I hand you back the negativity. I hand you back the lack of responsibility. I hand you back the sadness, the tears, the pain, the cutting, the suicide I tried, the home I had temporarily, the diaries you read, the heartbreak and most of all the teen angst.

I am no longer a 13 year old craving attention. I am a woman. A fantastic mother to my kids and they will never doubt that I would die to protect them. They will never doubt my love and they will never doubt who they are. I am successful and I am loved and I love. Even though I hate to say it some of this is due to the pain you caused me. You taught me who I never wanted to be.

Today I come to terms with everything and I take responsibility for my actions and I understand that I have become a better person. I thank you and I hate you for it but I need to let it go. I have carried this baggage too long. So to be a better stepmother and wife and mother, you can have all of this back. All of it comes with the poison and love it deserves. I won’t seek to destroy you as I never have. I won’t loose anymore sleep over it. I won’t let it taint me or define me. I will learn from it and I will move on.

Love,

Renee

 

The Day……

Today started bad….like you know when you roll over and think…Nooooo! It’s only X time which happens to be an hour before you are supposed to be awake and you pray with every fibre that you will be able to go back to sleep? Yes one of those.
The bed is warm and every part of me is wrapped in the quilt. My pillow is surrounding my head without suffocating me and everything is wonderful. I start to drift back into sleepy land and a lamp comes on…..WTF?
The husband says, as quietly as he can, “My car just shit itself”.
Brain snaps on and before I can murmur any words starting with an F I am out of my warm sanctuary and into the bathroom all the time asking questions. Ones such as: What happened? Do you need me to drive you to work? What time is it? How long does it take to get there and back?
I am speaking more to myself than to the husband. I am trying to figure out how long it will take to be there and back and if I will be home in time to get my youngest daughter off to school in time and me dressed to go see a customer in Rosebery and what the hell I am going to do about the effin car.
By the time this has all left my mouth I am throwing some tracksuit pants on and a jumper – no bra – no time for that, and am searching for my sneakers as I stare at the bed wishing I was still in it.
Walking out the door of the bedroom and down the stairs my immediate thoughts are of coffee and winning the lottery but I settle for coffee which hubby rushes to make me whilst I ramble about the week and it’s plans trying to sort out how to drop him off and pick him up whilst getting the kids to and from school and appointments and me to complete work commitments and also put my found sneakers on my feet, rake my fingers through my hair and get my car keys. Thank the universe for the company car I have!
Wait…. did I just say thank the universe? This is my fault! I asked the universe how we would manage with one car if I quit my job and I swear it was just hypothetical and this is what I get?
No time – Take coffee from husband and burn my tongue with it. Get into car and turn heater right up and worry the rest of the way to and from dropping him off as to how we are going to pay for the car repair and if I will be back in time for my little one who is snug in bed with her older sister playing chaperone.
So by 6.30am I am awake…. well kinda……fantasizing about my bed.
The rest of the day well it is all about booking mechanics and applying for finance to pay for it. Having a customer cancel my first appointment and having to kill an hour before the next one. Telling my boss I need more tools to do my job, fighting with the oldest daughter and….well normal stuff. Lunch with a mate, dentist appointment in the late afternoon. Ya know? ‘Normal’ stuff.
So here I am on the laptop 12 hours later and I am still wishing for my bed.
I know that today I was zen about everything because the crappest thing happened to me before I had a chance to put my feet on the floor and feel the freezing cold carpet. I have been reflecting on that and trying to take in what this all has meant to me and I am resolving to say that all it means, is more bills.
So there psychic lady who tells me I need to write every day to feel better (more on this later)……that was my day….well all of it that I wish to hammer out on the keys prior to washing dishes and sport uniforms, showering and then finally….getting back into my bed.

Injured

So I have been to a dr and I have shin splints. Can’t do anything with my lower body for 2 weeks and then when I go back he wants me to have a bone scan cause he thinks I have fractured bones cause I continued to run when my shins were sore. There is back story to this. I have had  hysterectomy which apparently affects bone density and also osteoporosis runs in my mum’s side of the family and I have lactose intolerance so all signs are bad bad bad. If he is right I am going to have to take up to 8 months in recovery time and that means physio and lots of other stuff. 

Devastated would be understatement right now. I am depressed major! I know it sounds dumb to anyone else but I have been exercising every single day for months and now I am not allowed to. I can do upper body but it doesn’t feel like what my run does. I am actually finding myself envious of people that complain they have to go to the gym. I wish! I am really suffering without my usual body pump class and I am really starting to get upset over the whole thing. I am about to email the 12wbt and ask what else I can be doing that will give me similar benefits without the use of my legs. I never realised how leg based the program was until I couldn’t use them. I really understand how important my legs are to me now. At least I can walk. That is the thing I keep holding onto. I am trying to be so positive through all of this and continue to eat right and do what I can of my daily exercises. 

I haven’t gained or lost in about 3 weeks now. Not that it matters as long as my pants don’t get tight! 

I think that’s all I wanted to say today. I wanted to get that out of me so that I can move forward with this. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I have been watching lots of motivational videos and starting to collect body weight stuff that isn’t any harder than walking on my lower body. 

Long time no talk

I know it has been a while since I blogged and my dear friend would tell me to get cracking but as we were saying last night, I need to be in the mood. Anyway here goes: 

The last few weeks have been extreme. Emotional shit up the wazoo and drama after drama. I feel sooo exhausted most of the time that blogging could not be further from my mind. 

I am now officially re-signed up for the 12wbt and into the third day of the next round. My previous results where -14.3 kg and overall about 83cm smaller. I made it to the top 15% and couldn’t make the finale for financial reasons even though I REALLY WANTED TO GO! It looks like Michelle had a heap to drink and everyone had an amazing time and that is awesome. I now have another few friends on this journey with me. A few family members are looking into it too. Cause I have done this before all of a sudden I have become the guru and I am being asked a million questions which I don’t really mind so much cause I did this to others before I signed up. I am aiming for the last 6kg and then I will move onto advanced lean and fit and then lean and strong and from there who knows 🙂 It has been suggested I start a fitness career but to be honest I am no TV show Personal Trainer and if someone shit me I would tell them outright. I don’t think I have the patience for people to go and do that and even if I could study the weight loss is more important to me right now and I would like to spend extra time exercising rather than learning at this point. I have stayed the same for the last few weeks and need to push myself harder this week to see if I can get back to getting losses. I know that this happens but damn it when it happens to me it’s just depressing! 

So the kids – Jade has Aspergers which they are sending me off to a clinical psychologist to define and label her. This makes me sad. In order to ensure society deals with her I need to label her. She needs extra help at school and we need to deal with her differently at home but at the end of the day she is high functioning meaning you wouldn’t know unless you knew her well and people will judge her. All she wants to do is love and be loved. That is all. And now I have to go and tell the child something is not like everyone else just to get the school some help handling her. She is too old for funding they tell me. Who knows what that means or anything at this point. I am so proud of the little person she is that I really struggle with all of this. 

Stevie – well I have an appointment with her counsellor next week to discuss her recent events which include all the shit with her dad. I need to take the kids to the detective to take their statements when he calls me which is supposed to happen this week. It has been a long and drawn out process. You can imagine his family are not happy with me but I don’t care. My kids come first. Do your worst! You have already screwed up my kids so I don’t see how it gets worse than that. 

What else has happened? My sister and I fought and now are talking and my brother and I are not talking. He says I have said shit about his wife to his ex wife but doesn’t have the balls to ask me anything. FYI anything I have to say I say to his face whether he likes it or not. So in the interest of keeping my sanity, he is not a part of my life right now. 

I have really been feeling much more reflective of late and thinking about where I want to be in life and what I want to do long term and whilst I still don’t have answers, I do know I am not the only one feeling this way. Many people have been seeking me out to talk about this very same thing. Change is coming. Even my old Hot trainer, who might I add is looking extra buff these days. I thought it rude to ask if I could take a photo to show you all. So anyway change is coming. It better come soon! 

Oh and I went to see a psychic! She told me all about my family reunion coming in September and it was all very spot on. More on that later. Off to have a run!